Sporting Event Etiquette 101

I have attended sporting events of one kind or another since I was a young girl.  Over the years, I’ve become increasingly irritated with the sheer amount of people (a number of them female) who do not understand the basic etiquette of attending a sporting event.  It really isn’t that difficult to get along with your fellow sports fans.  If you can manage basic good manners and have a minimum amount of common sense, you should be able to avoid these Top Ten sporting event faux paus:

Number 1:  Do NOT expect people to get up and let you in or out of the row during a play.  Ever.  I paid money to see the game, not the back of your head.  I don’t care if you really want to sit down.  Wait until the play is over and then I’d be happy to stand up for the fifteenth time for you and your small bladder.

Number 2:  Do NOT stop and talk to your friend in the row in front of you while the people in your row are standing waiting for you.  It really isn’t very smart to piss off the people who will getting your beer from Wally and sending it down the row.  Think about that.

Number 3:   Try to restrict the number of times you need to get up to go choke down a heater.  I respect your right to develop lung cancer, but I really do not appreciate missing several plays because you need to get a fix.  Also, you really smell.  Perhaps you should consider investing in Febreeze and breath mints.  The  people in your row will thank you, or at the very least, won’t look at you with such disgust.

Number 4:  If you can’t hold your liquor, please don’t go tailgate for six hours before the game begins.  Spilling your beer all over your row mates or else puking all over yourself is not going to win you any friends.  Trust me on this one.

Number 5:   The bottom of the stairs is not a social gathering area.  People are trying to get from their seats to either the beer line or the bathroom line and back as soon as humanly possible.  Do not impede this process.  It could get very ugly for you.

Number 6:  I realize you think your kid is the cutest thing ever and that you’ve completely ruined him for life by giving in to every single one of his demands.  I just don’t think he’s cute, nor do I appreciate hearing him scream at the top of his lungs.  Also, unless you want him to lose a leg, do not let him kick my seat.

Number 7:   If you really don’t want to watch the game, why are you here?  I’ve seen people reading books, doing crossword puzzles, and talking on their cell phones through an entire game.  Can’t you do these activities from the comfort of your own home?!?!

Number 8:  Under no circumstances are you EVER supposed to do The Wave.  Ever.  In any stadium.  Ever.  This is non-negotiable.  This crime is punishable by stoning during halftime.

Number 9:  Sit in your correct seats.  It doesn’t take a rocket scientist to figure out where Section 212, Row 20 is located.  Seats are clearly labeled at every stadium.  If you are unsure of where you are supposed to sit, track down one of the dorks in a yellow jacket.  The highlight of their night is to help stupid people find their seats.  They surely aren’t going to stop any brawls in the stands.  Also, if you are trying to sit in seats that are nicer than the ones you paid for, stop being such a cheap bastard and pony up for them.

Number 10:  The middle of the concourse is not the place for a family reunion.  Some of us are actually trying to grab a beer and a brat and get back to our seats before the next quarter or period begins.  I don’t care if you haven’t seen your mother/brother/best friend in ten years, get the hell out of the way.

While I cannot promise that following these ten rules will guarantee that you won’t piss off the people around you during a sporting event, it could potentially save your life.